Crazy Facts

1. Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud.
   After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.
2. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
3. Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
4. It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
5. Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised.
6. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, didn’t know where to shop.
7. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
8. Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
9. I’m not a complete idiot, there’re still some parts missing!
10. Forgive your enemies but remember their names
11. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
12. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Some pain is physical and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.
14. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

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Tips for Managers

• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• If it’s really a “rush job”, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
• Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
• Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
• If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
• Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
• If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
• If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
• If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
• Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
• Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

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Ideas to Keep in Mind

1. Pursue Achievable Goals
2. Keep Genuine Smiles
3. Share with Others
4. Help your Neighbors
5. Maintain A Youthful Spirit
6. Get Along with the Rich, the Poor, the Beautiful, and the Ugly
7. Keep Cool Under Pressure
8. Lighten the Atmosphere with Humor
9. Forgive the Annoyance of Others
10. Have a Few Pals
11. Treasure Every Moment with Your Love Ones
12. Cooperate and Reap Greater Rewards
13. Have High Confidence in Yourself
14. Respect the Disadvantaged
15. Indulge Yourself Occasionally
16. Surf the Net at Leisure
17. Take Calculated Risks
18. Understand “Money Isn’t Everything”

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Interesting Laws

• Law of Mechanical Repair:
  After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee
• Law of the Workshop:
  Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
• Law of Probability:
  The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
• Law of the Telephone:
  When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
• Law of the Alibi:
  If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
• Variation Law:
  If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
• Bath Theorem:
  When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
• Law of Close Encounters:
  The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
• Law of the Result:
  When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
• Law of Biomechanics:
  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• Theatre Rule:
  At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
• Law of Coffee:
  As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
  If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
• Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
  The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
• Law of Location:
  No matter where you go, there you are.
• Law of Logical Argument:
  Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
• Brown’s Law:
  If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.
• Oliver’s Law:
  A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Wilson’s Law:
  As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
• Law of Chinese Restaurants:
  If you are the ONLY customer sitting in a Chinese restaurant when the next person comes in the hostess will seat him/her right next to you.

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Great Truths

• Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
• Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
• If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• Never buy a car you can’t push.
• Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
• The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
• Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.
• We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors; but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
• Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
• Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today…

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Special Moments

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you just ran out of words and you go silent.

• The moment when you left your home for the first time and you look back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards independence.
• The moment when the girl/boy you like most.. smiled back at you! you don’t say anything.. you just smile back.
• The moment when you get better marks than you expected… those “numb” moments of ecstasy n surprise “is that true?”
• The moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the train has just started… and you are standing on the door of the wagon.. waving “bye-bye” with your heart beating fast.
• The moment after the HR manager has just called you and told you, “You are through! Congrats!”
• The moment when you sit alone in your room after having told everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months! you can go on remembering your “special” moments!

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The Cookie Thief

This is to a scenario encouraging us not to rush into judgments.

A woman was waiting at an airport one night With several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shop Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book but happened to see That the man beside her as bold as could be Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene. She munched cookies and watched the clock As this gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.

She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by Thinking “If I wasn’t so nice I’d blacken his eye”. With each cookie she took he took one too And when only one was left she wondered what he’d do. With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half as he ate the other She snatched it from him and thought “Oh brother, this guy has some nerve and he’s also rude Why he didn’t even show any gratitude”.

She had never known when she had been so galled and sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane and sank in her seat Then sought her book which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage she gasped with surprise There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes:

“If mine are here” she moaned with despair “Then the others were his and he tried to share”.

“Too late to apologize she realized with grief” That she was the rude one.

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Corporate Lessons

Priest & Nun
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

Boss First
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Cow & Rabbit
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Top Level
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Enemy & Friend
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:

1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

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Jokes, Funny SMS

Galileo : Great Mind
Einstein : Genius Mind
Newton : Extraordinary Mind
Bill Gates : Brilliant Mind
ME : Master Mind
YOU : Never Mind

Good Person : Its YOU
Good Friend : Its YOU again
Good Heart : That’s YOU !
Good Will : Its also YOU !
Good Looking Ahh….
hold it. Its 2 much 4 u….. Now its ME

I Look at the moon,
the moon is beautiful…
I look at you… I… I…I’d rather
look at the moon again…

4 HUSBANDS

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital waiting for their wives to give birth. Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy:
“Congratulations, you’ve twins!”.
“Oh!….. maybe it’s just a coincidence” said the daddy,
“as I’m working at the Petronas Twin Towers”.
Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy:
“Congratulations, you’ve triplets!”
“Wooow!, this is a coincidence,too” said the second daddy.
“I am working for 3M Corporation”.
A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy:
“Congratulations! your wife got quadruplets”
“Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence”.
“I work at Four Seasons Hotel!”.
Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried.
All the 3 daddies asked him: “Why do you look so worried?”.
He answered, “…uhmmm…. I’m working at Seven-Eleven!”

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COOL MSN NICKS

If electricty comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Moblie phones are the only subject on which men boast about who’s got the smallest

A friend will bail u out of jail, but a best friend will be there with u saying, Damn that was fun!

Trying is the first step towards failure

If you hate me, I love you too. It ain’t my fault I’m better than you

If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance

The funny thing about Common sense is that it’s not very common

I Dont Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me

Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people

I’m fat, but your ugly. I can diet

I’m cool, I’m hot….I’m everything you’re not

I have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me

One night the moon said to me, if love makes you cry why dont you leave your lover. I looked back at moon and said would u ever leave your sky

I’m in a good mood don’t ruin it by chatting

The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?

:S When I first talked to you, I was afraid to hold u, when I held u, I was afraid to love u, now that I love you I am afraid to lose you! :S

(L) Love is like quicksand… the deeper you fall in the harder it is to get out!(L)

Love is like sand if you hold on too tight it might slip away

Diamond was just a coal that did well under perssure

My calculations are U+ME=US!

(B) Don’t drink and drive you could spill your drink! (B)

The rich get richer and the poor get children

I would tell ya to go to hell but all dogs go to heaven

Take my advice…I don’t need it anyways

Fat people are harder to kidnap

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